Very few people will be aware of what REALLY goes on inside my mind… and why should they… it is personal to me, it is something that I shield from the outside world, something I bury until I am ready to share it. I often feel torn between how I believe I should be and how I really am.

On Saturday 14th March, I found myself delivering a pre-match speech to the Haslemere Rugby team. They were just about to play a match against Millbrook Rugby Club. Now, this is nothing new… it is my job as a Head Coach to deliver such speeches… I’m not even sure I that they are really speeches… more of a single voice that cuts across the noise and bring the collective emotion of the squad together before kick-off.

But this one felt different… This game felt different… It had no importance to our league position as the league was over. On the day, it was simply a friendly match to enable us to prepare and test ahead of the cup competition due to start the following week… A cup that we had every belief we were going to win.

Deep down in my heart though, I knew that this game was far more important than a friendly match… I knew that this was going to be the last game we played in the season. And this is what I fed in to the players. Huddled together, arms over shoulders, breathing as one, focused as one, I asked them to go out and play as if this was their last chance this season to play the game they love. They did exactly what I had asked and we enjoyed an amazing game with some well-earned beers in the bar after.

Throughout all of this, I kept a smile on my face but inside I was feeling nervous, sad, scared maybe about what was looming. The words Lockdown… Shielding…. were becoming an everyday part of our language. Less than a week later and all sport is cancelled, our lives change and we follow the Stay at Home guidelines. The reality is that I was… and still am… so, so scared of this because I know that NEED the contact and interaction that sport gives me.

For years I have struggled with my mental health. On bad days I struggle with the simplest of day to day tasks, struggling to see the success, focusing on the failure, missing the ups, holding on to the downs…. I don’t really know how to describe it other that at times I’m just not very happy.
And this is OK.
I know this now.

The 14th March was one of those days where I was looking ahead thinking… What am I going to do, How am I going to cope without the contact I enjoy so much from those around me? I’ve had a lot of time to think over the last 8 weeks… we probably all have. Rather than hide how I feel, I have been open with people and to be honest, have found it quite refreshing to be able to actually say that not all is well.

Now this may be because I am safe in the knowledge that most people are in a similar boat but let’s kick that one out of the boat quite quickly.

I’ve always had the ability to open up…. I’ve just chosen not to.

I’m looking forward to getting back to rugby and when we are able to get back, I am looking forward to being more open.

As a coach I would like to enable an environment that empowers everyone in it to be able to be themselves, to be able to talk and be heard, to be able to get any support they need, to be able to feel safe in being themselves.

As an individual, I’m just going to enjoy being me. And we are going to play some really good rugby!!

Someone asked me the other day – rather tongue in cheek – “are you trying to take Haslemere to the Premiership?” Given that this would take something like 12 years with back to back promotions, I’m pretty sure it isn’t going to be a reality but right now I only have one answer…“Why the heck Not!”

If you shoot for the moon and fall short you can still end up in the stars!

Be who you are
Breathe & Believe